Justice is Served...with a side of lotion and a tissue.

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Washing my balls

Things related to golf that sound dirty.

***The Rules Of Bedroom Golf!***

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course
to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of,
alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission
before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

That's funny stuff!

Reminds me of this time I was golfing. There I was standing in front of the t-box, it was a lovely view. The kind of view you only see on TV or the internet. I had a few beers back at the clubhouse. But I wasn't too wasted to play this hole. I pulled out my trusty 5 wood. Oops! I mean 9 wood. Gripped the shaft as I prepared to drive it home. I closed my eyes for just a second or two as my body twisted and thrusted forward toward the prize. And just my luck, I missed and went off to the right. I don't know if it was the alcohol or my lack of playing time here lately. But I landed in the rough. And I mean it was rough! I don't think they had landscaped the area for some time. It was very thick and bushy, like the woods behind Grandma's house in the spring. I was too distracted by the mess I was in, and knew I had to rethink my approach. I figured the best way to put it in the hole would be to go at it from the rear. Which I don't mind at all. It always seems like the hole is easier to drive from that angle. So here I go. I position myself just right. I had to raise my left leg just a little to avoid an obstacle. Even though I couldn't actually see the hole from my vantage point, I relied on my past experience and natural instinct. And as sure as a fat baby poots, I got it in! I conquered that hole. I let out a yell & 'air high-fived' myself. I don't think there is any moral to this story, it's not very moral at all. But if at first you don't succeed, try again. That's the best thing about this game. No matter how bad you play, it's still a good time and you can't wait to play again. I love this game! -Jack

Lyrical Poetry

It warms my frigid heart whenever I hear a song that takes me back to the decade of awesomeness. The 80's. The latest song by My Darkest Days is one of those tunes. I'm so sick of bands who think the words in their songs have to have some sort of deep meaning or message. Just entertain me! When you read these lyrics, I dare you not to be reminded of similar songs by AC/DC "Givin' the dog a bone", Motley Crue "Slice of your pie" , Kiss "Love gun" or the always underrated Faster Pussycat "Bathroom wall". Read this and weep for more tunes that don't make you think or have to decipher some secret agenda or message. Thank-you MDD!


Kiley won't kiss my friend Kassandra
Jessica won't play ball
Mandy won't share her friend Miranda
Doesn't anybody live at all

Amanda won't leave me empty handed
Got her number from the bathroom stall
Brandy just got way too much baggage
And that shit just gets old

But I got a girl who can put on a show
The dollar decides how far you can go

She wraps those hands around that pole
She licks those lips and off we can go
She takes it off nice and slow
Because that's PORN STAR DANCIN'

She don't play nice, She makes me beg
She drops that dress around her legs
And I'm sittin right by the stage for this
PORN STAR DANCIN'

Your bodies lighten up the room
I want a naughty girl like you
There's nothing harder to do

Stacy's gonna save herself for marriage
But that's just not my style
She's got a pair that's nice to stare at
But I want girls gone wild

But I know a place where there's always a show
The dollar decides how far you can go

She wraps those hands around that pole
She licks those lips and off we can go
She takes it off nice and slow
Because that's PORN STAR DANCIN'
She don't play nice, She makes me beg
She drops that dress around her legs
And I'm sittin right by the stage for this
PORN STAR DANCIN'

Your bodies lighten up the room
I want a naughty girl like you
Lets throw a party just for two
You know those normal girls won't do

They won't do, I need a girl that's kinda frisky
Drinkin' with the fellas, takin' shots and gettin' tipsy
Always wanna party cuz she's sexy as hell
And if I ever get in trouble bailin' me outta jail
Cuz she's a stone-cold stunner, hotter than the summer
When she step up in the club every man and woman want her
She make me wanna get a stripper pole up in my home
Cuz her porn star dancin' has got me in the zone

Beautiful!

R.I.P. Jack

With the passing of Jack LaLanne age 96 (an American fitness, exercise, nutritional expert, and motivational speaker) who has been called "the godfather of fitness". I can’t help but think of all the many diet plans and gadgets out there. Over the years we’ve tried everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. A big rubber ball? It’s a Hippity Hop without the handle. That thigh master weapon Suzanne Summers made famous.
A belt you wear around all day to make you thin. I’m sure that’s a pleasant surprise in the bedroom the first time they take it off. Ka-plow! Holy exploding flesh Batman!

Colon Blow! Is that really a weight loss product? Big shocker, you can lose weight when you take a crap. Who knew?

There is a weight loss ring. Yeah, a ring. Get this..."For years, the Japanese have applied pressure on different fingers to target weight loss in specific problem areas. Now this adjustable, acupressure ring lets you do the same! One size fits most." If it really worked, there would be people walking around with them all over their bodies. They’d have their man boobs pierced, belly buttons, chins, and a row of them across their under arm flab.

And this newest debacle, the shake weight. Really? I have been doing this exercise almost every morning for most of my life and it does not burn that many calories. Or I’d look like an Ethiopian. I mean you'd never have to send a chubby kid to fat camp. Just let him watch Baywatch reruns & late night Cinemax for a couple weeks. He could eat all he wants. Who is buying this? Save your $20, I got a shake weight for you. Ooopps....Sorry for the visual.

It completely blows my mind what people are willing to try. Rather than just quit eating so much and do a little physical activity. It makes me want to profit from this insanity. So I’ve come up with my own new weight loss program. I’m calling it “Lose-wit-a-loser” diet. There are thousands of books out there. What’s one more? And unlike most of them, mine will really help people. We all know mattress wrestling burns lots of calories. So my diet plan involves losing weight & knocking boots at the same time. I know! Awesome, right? Basically, it involves having relations with someone who doesn't get any. By fornicating with a loser, a person will burn more calories than they would with someone who frequents the booty. The definition of “Loser” is a man or woman who hasn’t made the two back beast in a least 6 months or more. And to help out the more unfortunate, get this. The longer it’s been for the loser, the more weight you’ll lose. I told you this was going to be a useful & helpful program. People who aren't bumping uglies will put more effort into the act when they get an opportunity to do so. Thus losing weight. The other party will also have to use more energy than usual to keep up with their newly invigorated partner. Causing them to also drop pounds. Win win!

I’ll use this scientific definition:
A person who regularly secretes bodily fluids while copulating on a continual basis has reached their maximum calorie biodegration level. However, a person who doesn't have consistent intercourse with a partner will incinerate more thermal units of calories than one who does prevalently. Studies have shown an individual who hasn't been intimate for an established period of time will be more energetic when they have the opportunity to perform the act. This in turn will cause a biological anomaly in their mate known as Reversive Feverency. In layman's terms, the enthusiasm and zest of one subject will cause the other to reciprocate with the same energy or even more. This has shown significant weight reduction in many subjects.

How does that sound? I can pay some Dr. Fraudstein $100 to put his name on this new breakthrough. Sure there are drawbacks. You can only use this method every so often or you'll fall out of the 'loser' category. You have to have "loser-dar" to weed out the players and sluts who might pretend they're losers. And what if they are a "Quick-draw-McGraw"? You can't lose much in a 3 min workout. There would have to be encores. But I still really think it could become a phenomenon. I can recount tales of going months & months without satisfaction and how it can cause a person to overeat. I can relate true stories of losers losing it again. And testimonies from their content partners. My infomercial will play Beck's "Loser" in the background. None of these stories will be mine personally just so you know. I do all right! You might see me on Oprah with my book. I’ll be helping those disadvantaged like a Dr.Phil. And I really do believe in my theory. It just so happens I sorta fall in the classification of “loser”. It’s mostly by choice while I prepare for some experiments for my book. But if you know of anyone interested in losing weight while having fun doing it, let me know. It doesn't pay much. Maybe dinner and a movie? OH FUDGESTICKS! I forgot about the disclaimer. All activity must be of the furniture breaking- wild animal-to the window-to the wall-wipe that stupid grin off your face-variety. I'll have to add {may cause STD's, unwanted pregnancies, and marriage} to my list of side effects too. I have to get started on this now. Get a jump on the new year's diet crazies before they run out of cash.

Loathsome Ad Chick

I don't throw the word "hate" around casually. It's a very strong word. But.......that outfit called 'Flo' on those Progressive Insurance commercials needs to go away forever! I can't remember a more annoying creature since that little dog on the Taco Bell commercials. I'm neither entertained nor intrigued by her peppy sales pitch. I've never had a personal relationship or know of anyone who has had a problem with Progressive. But she makes me want to use my homeowners policy for a new TV and golf club every time I see her and hear her shrieking voice. My award for the most annoying pitch person (or the Dell-guy trophy) for 2010 goes to FLO. Please go away and take Wilford Brimley and his ridiculous pronunciation of dia-beat-us with you.