With the passing of Jack LaLanne age 96 (an American fitness, exercise, nutritional expert, and motivational speaker) who has been called "the godfather of fitness". I can’t help but think of all the many diet plans and gadgets out there. Over the years we’ve tried everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. A big rubber ball? It’s a Hippity Hop without the handle. That thigh master weapon Suzanne Summers made famous.
A belt you wear around all day to make you thin. I’m sure that’s a pleasant surprise in the bedroom the first time they take it off. Ka-plow! Holy exploding flesh Batman!
Colon Blow! Is that really a weight loss product? Big shocker, you can lose weight when you take a crap. Who knew?
There is a weight loss ring. Yeah, a ring. Get this..."For years, the Japanese have applied pressure on different fingers to target weight loss in specific problem areas. Now this adjustable, acupressure ring lets you do the same! One size fits most." If it really worked, there would be people walking around with them all over their bodies. They’d have their man boobs pierced, belly buttons, chins, and a row of them across their under arm flab.
And this newest debacle, the shake weight. Really? I have been doing this exercise almost every morning for most of my life and it does not burn that many calories. Or I’d look like an Ethiopian. I mean you'd never have to send a chubby kid to fat camp. Just let him watch Baywatch reruns & late night Cinemax for a couple weeks. He could eat all he wants. Who is buying this? Save your $20, I got a shake weight for you. Ooopps....Sorry for the visual.
It completely blows my mind what people are willing to try. Rather than just quit eating so much and do a little physical activity. It makes me want to profit from this insanity. So I’ve come up with my own new weight loss program. I’m calling it “Lose-wit-a-loser” diet. There are thousands of books out there. What’s one more? And unlike most of them, mine will really help people. We all know mattress wrestling burns lots of calories. So my diet plan involves losing weight & knocking boots at the same time. I know! Awesome, right? Basically, it involves having relations with someone who doesn't get any. By fornicating with a loser, a person will burn more calories than they would with someone who frequents the booty. The definition of “Loser” is a man or woman who hasn’t made the two back beast in a least 6 months or more. And to help out the more unfortunate, get this. The longer it’s been for the loser, the more weight you’ll lose. I told you this was going to be a useful & helpful program. People who aren't bumping uglies will put more effort into the act when they get an opportunity to do so. Thus losing weight. The other party will also have to use more energy than usual to keep up with their newly invigorated partner. Causing them to also drop pounds. Win win!
I’ll use this scientific definition:
A person who regularly secretes bodily fluids while copulating on a continual basis has reached their maximum calorie biodegration level. However, a person who doesn't have consistent intercourse with a partner will incinerate more thermal units of calories than one who does prevalently. Studies have shown an individual who hasn't been intimate for an established period of time will be more energetic when they have the opportunity to perform the act. This in turn will cause a biological anomaly in their mate known as Reversive Feverency. In layman's terms, the enthusiasm and zest of one subject will cause the other to reciprocate with the same energy or even more. This has shown significant weight reduction in many subjects.
How does that sound? I can pay some Dr. Fraudstein $100 to put his name on this new breakthrough. Sure there are drawbacks. You can only use this method every so often or you'll fall out of the 'loser' category. You have to have "loser-dar" to weed out the players and sluts who might pretend they're losers. And what if they are a "Quick-draw-McGraw"? You can't lose much in a 3 min workout. There would have to be encores. But I still really think it could become a phenomenon. I can recount tales of going months & months without satisfaction and how it can cause a person to overeat. I can relate true stories of losers losing it again. And testimonies from their content partners. My infomercial will play Beck's "Loser" in the background. None of these stories will be mine personally just so you know. I do all right! You might see me on Oprah with my book. I’ll be helping those disadvantaged like a Dr.Phil. And I really do believe in my theory. It just so happens I sorta fall in the classification of “loser”. It’s mostly by choice while I prepare for some experiments for my book. But if you know of anyone interested in losing weight while having fun doing it, let me know. It doesn't pay much. Maybe dinner and a movie? OH FUDGESTICKS! I forgot about the disclaimer. All activity must be of the furniture breaking- wild animal-to the window-to the wall-wipe that stupid grin off your face-variety. I'll have to add {may cause STD's, unwanted pregnancies, and marriage} to my list of side effects too. I have to get started on this now. Get a jump on the new year's diet crazies before they run out of cash.
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